Elvis is alive and well and sharing a mobile home with Jim Morrison in a trailer park in Spokane, WA. They're often seen at the local Circle K where they purchase two pounds of bacon every morning.

No, that's a common misunderstanding. The famous Love Child that Diana sang of, and Elvis fathered, was actually Gary Coleman of Diff'rent Strokes fame. Michael Jackson was the love child of Lena Horne and President Eisenhower.

Yes, it's true that the Colonel was an illegal alien. Many have pointed out his 25+ years of US residency would have qualified him for a passport. But that's only for immigrants from this planet. Let's just say that Parker arrived at Roswell, NM, in the early '40's and leave it at that.

The highly guarded "eleven herbs and spices" can now finally be revealed: flour, salt, pepper, flour, salt, pepper, flour, salt, pepper, flour, and the drippings of two pounds of bacon.

Could Elvis act? Go rent "Change of Habit" starring Elvis and Mary Tyler Moore, then see if you need to ask that question. (No punch line here, I just really like that movie).

The Graceland Jungle Room was known as the place where all sorts of sex acts would take place. Elvis' staff would comb Memphis looking for the best looking "participants" to invite to private parties taking place there. Elvis however, did not participate. He would sit in the next room, watching through a one-way mirror, eating peanut butter and bacon sandwiches with his "special friend," Doug.

The stories of the "Memphis Mafia" are all very exaggerated. Even the films that were loosely based on it blew things all out of proportion, despite Al Pacino's excellent portrayal of the young Elvis, and James Caan's fascinating turn at the old Elvis. Even with the short-comings of the films, reality-wise, Marlon Brando's lovingly complex vision of Colonel Parker stands out as one of his finest roles. One thing the film got right: Elvis was known to say things like, "Leave the gun. Take the canolis."

A daily procedure that involved two pounds of bacon and the help of his gay lover. Believe me, you don't want more detail on this one.

Elvis' one-sided sneer is a trademark of Graceland Partners, Inc., and considered a trade secret. I'd love to tell you about, but I'm under court orders not to.

Yuck! That's disgusting. You can't have sex with a Mommy. That's just plain sick.

Many people believe that's because the Colonel was illiterate. But that's actually got nothing to do with it. Aaron on Elvis' grave is spelt with two A's. It is His birth certificate that has only one A, so it was his mother that was illiterate in this case. And whoever asked this question is obviously no Elvis fan or you would have known that.

No way, man.

I'm very glad you asked. I've checked with several grammar experts, and they all agree: The plural of Elvis is Elvii.

I'm sorry, that's all the time we have today. Come back next week for another installment of the Elvis F.A.Q.